Funeral director do this, but why? (Part III)
Today marks the last day I am in Penang. Having gorged myself on all the fabulous Peranakan food, Nonya kuehs and the visits to antique shops, I stopped by a famous temple to pray. After which, I headed out to the cemetery with a distant relative whom I’ve recently reconnected. My half uncle brought me to visit the graves of our ancestors. And oh my… What prominent people they were in the past. But alas, the age old saying that money doesn’t last 3 generations stand true. Damn that “tradition”. There goes my dreams of being the real life version of the “crazy rich asians” cast.
We spent hours there and he told me stories of most of them. I painted a mental picture in my mind that took me back to the old days, as portrayed by movies and books. It seemed lovely, and life was much simpler. People were less complicated and families were close knit. It hit me how fast the world had changed and things we grew up with and accustomed to are no longer present. My half uncle then brought me to have my final Chendol at a traditional street stall and then drove me back to the paper making shop house.
I asked him to enter with me and get to know the old man I’ve been talking to the past two days. He accepted my request and we both walked in and the workers told us to have a seat. The little kid I saw on day one came running over and gave me a little hug, and then ran off to get his grandfather. I later found out it was actually his great grandfather! Definitely he was going to be able to don his “shou yi” when the time comes. “Ah gong” came down out of the back room and shuffled over to us. He greeted us as if we were old friends and said we can only have an hour or so before dinner time. After introductions were made, I got down to business.
Question: I noticed at the cemetery, the workers cleared food offerings from graves and then brought it back to their hut. Were they going to eat those?
Answer: The old man laughed. He said yes. But then I thought that food offerings to ghosts or the dearly departed cannot be eaten?
Then he chuckled and asked if we do 7 month prayers and celebrations in Singapore? I replied yes we do, especially in our trade. He then went on to ask if we ate from the spread of food offerings we have laid out for the hungry ghosts? My face hole dropped open and no sound came out. We actually do feast on the roasted delights after prayers were made. Okay, so that answers that. And at the danger of getting “so hai-ed” or a flying clog, I chanced the question, that is it food offerings were created partly for the reason that it actually was for grave keepers and funeral workers?
He didn’t get angry and simply nodded, yes… partly. The main reason is not so much of the ghosts or our dearly departed actually eating the food offerings. It’s more of respect and remembering what they liked to eat. It was for us, the living to also take a moment to think and appreciate our time on earth that we have to eat, taste and savor life, before it’s too late.
Question: Why do we advice families that the 6th night after a loved one has moved on, is the soul returning home or 回魂夜, and not the 7th night?
Answer: The old man was surprised I knew about this. He said he has always tried to advice undertakers to say the 6th night but they do not listen and stick to the 7th.
The reason for this has to do with the traditional Chinese “clock”. Midnight is our 11 PM. Hence, following our clocks, it’s actually still the 6th day. Oooooo~ mind blown moment.
Question: What’s the red string on the tables for, at funerals wakes?
Answer: Ah, he exclaimed. My half uncle then said it’s for good luck and he always wraps it around his finger and then when he leaves the wake, he then discards it.
The old man then said, half correct. It is to ward off negative or “yin” energy for the visitors of the wake. But do not wrap around the finger. Take it only when leaving the wake, and then discard it once out of view or before reaching home. Do not bring it into our home. As to why not to wrap around the finger?
Well, in Chinese sayings, a red string around fingers means matchmaking. We do not want to be match made at a funeral yah… Unless one is accepting a ghost bride. (Also another common practice back in the day, but that’s another story for another time)
Question: What’s the 10 cent coin given to funeral attendees for?
Answer: It is actually for funeral attendees to go out and buy sweets to eat after attending a funeral wake. To eat sweet things after the “bitterness” of a funeral. Of course nowadays, 10 cents ain’t gonna get you anything, and sweets are often already provided. So it just became a tradition. And due to inflation, most actually provide 20 cents now.
The red string and coins come in a package with a hand towel as well. Which is simple used for wiping sweat for the long journey towards the burial grounds. These items are only for visitors of different households, the immediate family and relatives do not need them as their period of official mourning is actually 100 days, and 300 days of solemn contemplation whereby no celebrations are to be held. (You may have heard it’s one year, simply because it’s easier to keep track)
Question: So 300 days no celebrations. Cannot celebrate Chinese New Year, birthdays, weddings or any joyful occasion. But what if marriage was already planned by the matchmaker or fortune teller? The date is set to be an auspicious date, how?
Answer: “Ah gong” explained that it’s a multi part answer.
The best is to postpone. Contact the match maker or fortune teller to seek another date, 300 days later. If not possible, then do it within the 100 days. The belief is that our loved one’s soul is still around and can attend the wedding.
Follow up question: What if on the 299th day another loss in the family? Two years no need celebrate anything?
Answer: Yes. If the family is fated as such. Besides, back in the day, each kampong was probably inhabited by the same family lines. Thus, they pretty much kept in contact and see each other all the time. In our modern day context whereby families are scattered across the country or even overseas, at least observe the 100 days if possible. If really cannot, then 7 days.
The old man then went on to say, nowadays, we already remove the funeral badge, discard the white T-shirts and funeral garments on the day of burial or cremation. Back then, it was worn for 100 days. So, in actual fact, we stop the mourning period immediately after burial or cremation. Reason being, we all have to work or resume daily routines immediately. Not like in the old days whereby we farmed in our own kampongs and had food to eat. We have to shower, keep our appearance neat and spray perfume when heading out. We have to cut our hair and shave. It’s not possible to stick to the traditional mourning period.
At this point, the old man looked at the old grandfather clock at the back of the shop. We knew it was time for their dinner. Ah gong offered us to stay and dine, but we had to kindly refuse as I had a long drive back to Singapore. My half uncle will drive me back to get my car from the “air bnb'“. Ah gong looked a little sad and said, he wasn’t sure if the next time I visit, he’ll still be around. Tears welt up in my eyes but the old man said, “so zai” (silly child), it’s all part of the cycle of life. We then bade farewell to him and he called for his great grandchild to send us off. The kid seemed reluctant as well. But a glare from ah gong and he hastily obliged. The workers also bade us farewell and safe journey.
With new found knowledge and a heavy heart, we left the shop house and headed to the car. Outside was a cart selling “lassi”, a traditional Indian yogurt drink, made with goat’s milk. My half uncle bought us a round and we sat for a while. I took in the sights, sounds and smells of this traditional street for the last time. Incense and the sound of dinner being cooked with woks, clanging, etched in my memory.
We headed off to the car and thus ended my adventure of learning and culture. I hope this series gave you as much an insight as it gave me, into the various customs and traditions we heard of, performed or were instructed but didn’t know why.
I wish one and all a blessed weekend and till next time, tata~