Funeral director do this, but why? (Part II)
Bright and early the second day in Penang, I headed out to ensure my car was still there and had not been stolen or stripped of parts. Having 3 types of locks does prove it’s usefulness, albeit a little troublesome.
After having some lovely kueh, I proceeded to head back to the alley where the old man’s shop was. As usual, they start on their paper creations really early at 5 AM daily.
As I approached, there were 3 workers today and were rushing to make paper cars and a paper yacht, not the modern kind but the old Chinese sailing ships.
The same worker yesterday recognized me and beckoned me inside where the old man was sitting at the dining table. He smiled at me and granted me permission to sit down and poured me a cup of coffee.
He pushed an ashtray over and offered me a rolled cigarette. I gladly obliged and lit it up. To smoke a roll up is rather surprising, as it has no filter. It’s pungent and rather smooth, but strong. After he took a long drag of his, he asked me to tell him what queries I had today. Pulling out my phone with questions I prepared the night before, I began.
Question: Why do we advice the parents, spouse or older siblings (if still around) not to attend the burial or cremation?
Answer: As the old man stroked his beard, he answered that the actual saying is “white hair” cannot send off “black hair” (白头发不能送黑头发). He goes on to explain that “white hair” refers to all the elderly, regardless of ranking in the family. “Black hair” refers to the dearly departed, regardless it’s an older person with white locks of hair. I then proceeded to ask why not?
The old man goes on to set the scene of olden days. Where bullock carts were the main transportation of delivery for everything. After all the prayers and funeral traditions were carried out, the family would then begin to move off about mid morning. There were no buses back then and funeral processions meant walking all the way to the burial grounds. By the time they reached the burial grounds, it would’ve been noon time. There were no such things as tentages or make shift parlors back then as well. Standing under the scorching mid day sun and grieving over the lost of a loved one is a physically strenuous process.
The reason for not allowing the elderly follow the procession is simply due to their age, they would not be able to make that journey and may suffer from heat exhaustion. Or they would slow the convoy down to the extent that they wouldn’t reach the burial grounds by noon. Why noon? Because it takes a couple of hours after lowering the casket into the ground, for the workers to cover it back up using nothing but shovels. No excavators back then too, and they finish work at 5 PM.
Which means, in today’s context whereby we take buses to the burial or cremation, cremation halls being air conditioned, burial grounds having tentage shelter and water points available, it is possible for everyone to send off their loved one. It is also great for everyone, as the grieving process, to see it all through. Psychologically, it is healthier to experience it all from start till end. Painful as it sounds, we rebound better from hitting rock bottom, rather than halfway.
Question: Why must we be careful not to let our shadow fall onto the casket or into the burial hole?
Answer: With a serious look, he sighed and took pause. It wasn’t a frustration sigh but more of he was remembering something. I definitely wasn’t going to get “so hai-ed” at this point. He then said, by noon time, the sun is directly overhead. If anyone has their shadow casts onto the casket or into the hole in the ground, means you’re standing too close. And with searing heat bearing down, grief stricken and tired from the long walk, one may faint and fall into the hole. “Ahhhhhh”, I acknowledged. You could see my brain gears turning and click into place. It seems like almost all the “instructions” we give have actual practical reasons.
Question: Why nowadays, funeral processions using the traditional lorry hearse, have two long ropes tied to the front for the families of the loved ones to hold on to, and modern van hearses, we ask family to hold on to the back door?
Answer: After asking this question, the old man slowly turned his gaze upon me and asked softly, what did I think was the reason?
My brain gears starting to turn. I started to hazard a guess. I said, I think, it’s because back then, they tied the ropes to the bullock carts, for them to pull from in front and some push from behind.
He grinned and complimented my sudden growth of white matter between my ears. I proudly raised my eyebrows and reached for my cigarette. Victory smoke yah…
Question: Why some families request to dress up their loved one in the traditional 3, 5 or 7 layer ancient gown (寿衣)?
Answer: The old man got up slowly, his knees creaking as he shuffled over to a cupboard in the corner, beside his ancestral altar. He waved me over and asked me to help him retrieve something placed on top. It was a “寿衣”. In English it’s called a shroud or grave clothes. We then walked back to the dining table. I placed the gown on the table and he said this was his. I was taken aback. I thought they sold the gowns to people and this was a sample. He chuckled and gone on to explain.
This shroud is supposed to be bought by ourselves, in the design we like and according to our social status, we choose how many layers we can afford. We are then supposed to leave it on top of our cupboards and bring it out to sun once a year during Chinese New Year. This will ensure a long life or 长寿 in mandarin. Upon our passing, we are to be dressed in that very same shroud. And if we do not live to a ripe old age of 100 and above, we can only don the bottom most layer which is white in color. It’s equivalent to the ancient Chinese pajamas they wear only in the confines of their sleeping chamber.
He goes on to say, nowadays, undertakers don’t care about the age of the dearly departed. They just sell because it’s good money but don’t know the significance and dangers of it. He says, nowadays, 90 years old and above is the acceptable age to don the shroud. 100 year old person nowadays not much already. Our lifespans have grown much shorter.
Question: So what happens if we get family to buy the shroud or if family insists on putting on the shroud for their loved one?
Answer: Good question, the old man replied. He very sternly looked at me and waved his finger. He said if I’m serious about my work and the love I have for the dearly departed and their grieving families, never ever put profits above doing what’s right. He said, if we, the undertakers don the shroud for someone not fated to live a long life, the difference of the age till 100 shall have to be borne by us or our following generations. And if we didn’t explain to the family and allow them to buy the shroud or don the dearly departed’s own shroud, the same applies. So always guide the family and do what’s right. I nodded in agreement and will forever hold this truth dear to my heart and my work. I then joked, “ah gong, you can wear the shroud yah?” He reached down slowly. I instinctively braced and was going to duck, as I thought he was reaching for his wooden clogs. For those who grew up in a Perenakan household, you would know the Nonyas have fabulous and deadly aim when it comes to clog throwing. The velocity and impact of attaining a direct hit will knock the stupid out of any children.
Alas, he just needed to massage his ankles. The walk to the cupboard probably took a toll. Seeing that he was truly aching, I kindly asked him if I could just have one final question for the day. He said “or course, So Zai”. (So Zai means silly child in Cantonese)
Question: I have done quite a few funerals, unfortunately, whereby I had to place a straw man figurine into the casket, if that family had experienced two losses in a lunar year. I know to do it, but why?
Answer: The old man reached out and touched my arm. He said, “Good that you know and do this”. He goes on to say that because funeral related matters are in odd numbers and good things come in pairs. So having two losses, in the same family line, in a lunar year does not follow nature’s law. There will be a third loss in order to fulfill nature’s equation of the odd number “3”. Hence, the straw man figurine is placed into the casket to represent a third person going, thus fulfilling nature’s law. I then queried, what if have 3 losses how?
The old man asked me in return. Have I done funerals for a 3rd loss in a single lunar year, of the same family line? I immediately replied, “No wor”. He laughed heartily and said, “Yah lah, the straw man works!”
With this final query, I looked at my watch and realized it’s lunchtime. His workers had cooked up some simple dishes and were waiting to set the table. The old man invited me to dine with them and I gratefully agreed. But he said, no more death talk for today. He wanted to know more about me and my family. I was happy to oblige and we ate, drank tea and chatted. We bonded and I felt like he was my own grandfather. It was a feeling I shall never forget, as I did not have the chance to meet my own grandfather. He passed away, at my current age, of 45. He was a Singaporean policeman, who wore shorts, back in the day. He was shot.